Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
