Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
