God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
