were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
