I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
