Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
