I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
