Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
