my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
