I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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