accomplished twins. life is a go
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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