NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
