Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
