Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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