fuck your aforementioned shoe
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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