1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
