You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Randomize
