Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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