I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
