Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
