Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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