i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
being pregnant is like rehab
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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