I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
im six kinds of drunk right now
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
