so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I didn't notice because vodka
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
