??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
