What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
