I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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