Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
