They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
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But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
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I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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