Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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