This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
