mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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