Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
