the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Vodka?
Forever.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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