ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
