my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
