I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
