Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
