You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
