My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
