he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
