On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
