Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
