I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
