I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
