i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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