sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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