I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
