All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Randomize
