well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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