I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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