i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
