I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
How does it feel to date your dad?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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