I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
