Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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