We won't sleep together?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
