did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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