She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
