does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
