I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
